I am more than the person who makes you food.

I am more than the person who buys you things.

I am more than the person who loans you my car when you need it.

I am more than the person who gives you really good head.

Why can’t you see that?

I am not okay.

My head is going somewhere very dark, and it scares me.

I feel as if I am going to explode from emotion, and only someone who cares about me can stop it. Only, there is no one.

I am alone.

A few months ago, an old friend and I tentatively began seeing each other and exploring D/s together. He and I have been online friends for 5 years or so, but he was married for most of that time. We met in person for the first time last September, but I chickened out of seeing him again until just a few months ago.

Since that time, we’ve gotten very close. I’ve spent many weekends at his place, and we’ve had some really amazing times together.

But now, we’re at a crossroads, and we’re trying to figure out where we fit in each others’ lives. We talked a few weeks ago about how we understand that we’re not on the same page with what we want, but that we would keep working at moving towards one another.

Unfortunately, I fear we’ve moved apart.

I’m writing this here instead of telling him because all I’m really doing is expanding on what I’ve already told him. I need to get it out, but by telling him more of the same, I fear I will push him away as if I’m nagging. And that’s definitely not what I want at all.

You see, I’ve fallen in love with him. I’ve been giving him pieces of myself for years and now that I finally get to be with him, to feel his arms around me, his hands on me, his voice commanding me… it’s what I want. I am his. Completely. Even when I have to hold myself back to make some moderate effort of guarding my heart, there’s really nothing left to hold back inside.

There are two primary points of contention between us. The first, and most important to me, is that I know what I want and he is unsure. I’ve laid my soul bare for him, short of flat out telling him I’m in love with him. I’ve told him I want to be his primary relationship, that I want his heart, that I want to be the one who gets under his skin. He hasn’t told me what he wants in return. All I know is that he doesn’t want to ruin our friendship, and he’s afraid a “real” relationship between us, if soured, will ruin it. He doesn’t seem to believe in the same sort of love that I do – but he’s so sparse with sharing his feelings, that I don’t know what sorts of things he feels at all.

The second is that he flat out refuses to be monogamous. We all know I’ve had many issues with polyamory in the past, yet I think he’s worth it to try. Even when it hurts. But I think that he and I need to have an actual conversation about what polyamory means to him. It doesn’t mean fucking anyone, anytime, anywhere – at least, not to me. I’ve come to terms with the fact that he has another sub. She is married and lives in another state; he doesn’t see her nearly as often as he sees me. But I can’t share him with random women he meets.

There was an incident this past Friday night. He met a woman for a “business meeting” that turned into a date. I asked if he slept with her and he admitted he did. I was hurt and livid. I tried to leave, but he stopped me. He said that he was under the impression that I didn’t want commitment from him. My jaw dropped at this, considering I’d written him a long email explaining that commitment was exactly what I want. I asked what could make him say such a thing and he, in turn, asked me why I won’t call him Daddy yet.

And that’s the moment I realized that even the men I adore are idiots.

I’d told him the week before – after the long email asking for what I want in our relationship – that I can’t call him Daddy yet because that’s a new level of commitment I’m not ready for. I didn’t think I needed to explain that I couldn’t offer him even more of myself, even more commitment, when he hasn’t offered me any at all yet. Apparently, he needed that explanation. Though to be honest, I was so upset at the time that I still don’t think I got that point across clearly. He took me to mean that I didn’t want commitment at all.

He said that if I’d agreed to call him Daddy then he never would have had the random casual sex.

I guess I just don’t understand the way male brains work. If he had taken even 2 seconds to think about me before he got naked, he would have known just how hurt and angry I’d be. Which means he either didn’t think of me at all, which is a problem, or he didn’t care that I’d be angry, which is also a problem. Or, third option, he assumes that he can fuck anybody since I’ve acknowledged that he won’t be monogamous and I’ll never be his “one and only.” Again, problem.

But I think any of these problems are ones that can be addressed and worked through.

And honestly, all of this crap – all of the hurt and heart break I’ve felt over the last few weeks – it’s all worth it if we end up together in the end.

I want him.

I want to be with him.

And I want him to want to be with me.

I do call him Daddy in my head. It’s almost popped out of my mouth a few times. But calling him that would be an open acknowledgement that I love him. And after what happened the last time I fell in love with someone I called Daddy… I have to be sure that he’s going to be there for me.

I need him to give a little too.

Is that really so unreasonable?

I am not looking for a sexual friendship. Sex, when I don’t have a committed relationship, leaves me feeling hollow and takes me to a very negative place for days.

Sometimes I do things that hurt myself emotionally in order to make someone else view me in a more positive way. This is a new revelation, and I’m working on finding a way to overcome it.

I test people. I push and I push and I frustrate them. This is a defense mechanism designed to find the person who will finally not reject me and not let me push them away. This is also a new revelation.

D/s, for me, is not solely about sex. It’s about control, trust, and discipline. Sex is a large part of any relationship, but I don’t think it should be the foundation of a committed relationship. Apparently this is a rare sort of ideology concerning D/s.

While I want to find a committed relationship centered around a D/s dynamic, I am not interested in living in the public bdsm lifestyle. I have no desire to attend play parties and perform scenes. There is nothing wrong with this – I might actually be interested in watching – but participating is not for me. This is also apparently a rare sort of D/s ideology.

I don’t really know what all of these mean. I have issues to overcome – but don’t we all? Will I find someone whose ideas are similar to my own? I don’t know. But I won’t stop looking.

The fire play, with me laying on my bed nearly naked, inevitably led to other things. For the first time in months, I had sex.

And today, I somewhat regret it.

Physically, I’m happy with what happened. I needed to be touched. But emotionally, I wish it hadn’t happened. It made me remember why I am usually very adamant about not having casual sex; I need to be emotionally connected to fully enjoy it.

But my body ruled everything yesterday and I gave in to those carnal desires.

After he left, I found out he’d fucked another girl earlier in the day. It bothered me, but it wasn’t until this morning that I was able to articulate why.

I feel like a whore.

And while I do want to be one man’s whore, he must be the right man. And I must be his only whore.

This is a completely different and negative feeling.

The background: About a month or so ago, I met a potential Dom on Collar Me. One of the first questions I asked him was if he was poly. He said no. Our chemistry online was amazing; it was even better on the phone. Sadly, once we met in person I never really felt anything. But I couldn’t deny that we had something. So rather than just walk away, I tried to get over my hesitation in person. But I took too long and he met someone else at a play party. He and I were still talking daily when he began to see her. She was poly, with 4 or 5 other Doms in her life. Even though he was seeing her pretty often, I somehow assumed she was just a play partner and he was waiting for me to come around. He kept telling me was convinced I’d come around to having a romantic relationship with him.

I was getting there. I was jealous of the other sub. I wanted to talk to him more and more. But I never really saw myself as his sub; merely his girlfriend. And he kept telling me he would be fine with just a romantic relationship with me.

Everything came to a head last week when we got into a fight and his response was to go to her. It was then that I realized that several things he had said or done were subtle ways in which he was choosing her over me. She and I had talked; we were even supposed to meet before the big fight. But somehow I had spent the month believing that he wanted me and was just playing with her. It turns out that he was dating her completely (even meeting her family) and trying to wear me down to date him too. He had changed his mind about being poly because “it’s only fair” since she is poly.

I told him in no uncertain terms that I can’t do poly. I told him that I refuse to be anything less than the primary relationship and his response was that no one is on top with him – he loves us both equally. He said he couldn’t choose between us, so I made the choice for him. I walked away.

For him.

For his voice, commanding me.

For that sly grin as I watch him imagine the dirty things he wants to do to me.

The slow blush creeping across my face as I fear those nearby can see his thoughts on his face.

It’s gone now. Most days are good, and I can forget what it felt like to be needed and wanted.

But some days, the ache comes so fast and strong it steals my breath.

Today was one of those days.

And it’s days like these, when I long to be submissive again, that I have to wonder if I’ll ever find another man like him. Only… better. Someone who has time for me and can give me everything I deserve. I wouldn’t give back the time we spent together for anything – it was defining for me. I loved it, even the bad parts. And even broken as I am, I would do it all over again for the chance to feel truly happy and truly myself. But I do consider the possibility of never having that again, because my trust has been broken. And I don’t know that I can ever let someone close enough again to repair it.

And if I can’t trust, I can’t be submissive.

But how I long to be.

We were having a conversation about why he calls me by my nickname now, instead of my first name. From the beginning, he never used my nickname. He made the statement that he associates my first name with role play now.

That’s when it hit me.

It wasn’t role play for me.

Let me clarify something though – I don’t mean that our entire relationship/friendship was nothing but role play to him. But being my Daddy was a role he played. Being my Dom was a role he played.

For me, it wasn’t a role. It was wholly me. I opened up and trusted. I gave myself to him. Totally.When I was in that space during playtime, it wasn’t me playing at being his sub. It was real. That’s why I reacted so negatively the last time.

That’s why I struggle. There’s an invisible line that I crossed that I probably shouldn’t have. And that’s why I feel like a piece of me is missing now that I have no one to submit to. I do still submit to him in small ways. But that only happens when I ask for it. I asked him to tell me what to do regarding my workout schedule since what I’ve been doing is no longer an action. And he did. I loved it.

But it’s still not a role.

I’ll be the first to agree – it doesn’t make any sense. Never seeing someone because you couldn’t see them enough…it’s illogical.

But when my “I want to see you” banged up against his “but we have to be practical” for the 50 billionth time, it just hurt, damn it. I *am* practical, but I really need a romantic out there, reminding me of the stars when my reality is down in the mud.

Do you have any idea how awful things have been?

I want someone who says, “I don’t care what it takes, I’m going to see you again and again and again because there are no limits on my love. I will show you how important you are to me by treating you like a gift.”

Yeah, right.

I miss being touched. I miss being held. I miss being wanted. I don’t miss being told how hard it is to manage to find time for me.

I want someone who can’t wait to see me, every time, no matter what. I miss feeling like I was special, all the time.

I know I’m ridiculous. I’m insane. No one ever gets what I want, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting it. I’m sadder than I’ve ever been.

And I have no idea how to break it to my therapist.

*I mean no disrespect whatsoever by re-posting her words here. It is not to make light of her agony, it is a way for me to express mine.