Breaking Down


I’ve now had two webcam sessions with Him. The first was only mildly unpleasant due to my own insecurities about my body. I masturbated for Him, something that was, for me, deeply intimate. He is honored by my willingness to allow Him to be my first for so many things. I did have to receive my punishment for refusing to go on cam for him the night before. I had to masturbate with three ice cubes until they melted. Afterwards, He praised me and allowed me to finish myself with my favorite vibrator. The uncomfort came when He began my endurance training. He asked me stand up, fully naked and in view of the cam. I had to do two exercises. First, I had to stand with my arms straight out to the side, palms up, holding a book on each palm. My elbows were not allowed to touch my side. By the end of it, I was nearly in tears and shaking so much I couldn’t believe I hadn’t dropped the books. The second was to stand feet together, arms behind my back, and stand on my toes (as if in heels) for 10 minutes. I was not allowed to let my heels drop to the carpet. Now, I have to do these two exercises daily. Keeping those books up is harder to do every day. My arms are sore, and I haven’t been able to do it for 10 consecutive minutes since the first night. He is patient and understanding because He knows I am truly trying my hardest for him.

The second cam session was completely different. To Him, it was very mild. To most people committed to a bdsm lifestyle, it was very very mild. To me? It was painful. After each session, He has asked me to email Him my thoughts and feelings about what happened. It will be easier if I just paste the contents of last night’s email rather than trying to recreate those thoughts here.

It’s clear to me that I want to please you. Otherwise, I would have told you at some point tonight that this is over and I can’t do it. Tonight was hell for me. Made worse that I have to sit here alone and recover from it without any physical touch or warmth to comfort me. I have no soothing words being spoken in my ear, reminding me that I’m your good girl and I please you. These are things that I need – it is fundamental in my core.
 
The first thing you asked me to do (to earn a story) was to get doggy style with one vibrator in my pussy and one in my mouth. This was the first time I cried tonight. The thought of being in that position – sideways – on cam for you made me want to cry. I told you that and you were harsh with me, for the first time. Combine those two together, and I couldn’t hold back the tears. I asked for a moment and went behind the cam and bawled my eyes out. I didn’t want to do it and you were already upset with me. I regained my composure and, after “stalling” (I really wasn’t, I was waiting for you to come back because I really thought you went to smoke), I did as you asked. I have no idea how much time passed before you asked me to move to the bed and finish myself, while imagining I was sucking your cock. You told me not to remove the dildo from my mouth until you told me to, but to pretend I was sucking your cock. I lay there and did as you asked. Fully caught up in my imagination that I had YOUR cock in my mouth, I licked the shaft instead of keeping it in my mouth. You did not like this and punished me.
 
My time in the corner was the longest 30 minutes of my life. It was bearable. I was proud of myself for remaining in the position you specified even when my cat came over and jumped in my lap or scratched at the door. But then, the unthinkable happened. I was trying to breathe and all of a sudden it just popped out of my mouth and landed in my lap. I’d had no warning or time to stop it. But I didn’t move my hands. I sat there and knew you would be upset with me, so I cried for the second time tonight. The minutes ticked on and on and I hadn’t heard a buzz yet even though I was certain 30 minutes had come and gone. I began to worry that maybe my computer had gone to sleep (it wasn’t supposed to) or that the cam stopped broadcasting when the monitor went to sleep (it didn’t). I wondered if somehow I had re-clicked on your window before I moved making it so that I wouldn’t hear the sound. I was convinced that the 30 minutes had passed and somehow you couldn’t reach me. My knees were on fire (You wanted my nose in the corner, so I sat as close as I could which meant my knees were very forcibly pushed into the door and wall). And then, I heard the sound. But I wasn’t positive I actually heard it, so I waited. Knowing that if it was you, you would say something else. And you did. So I let my hands drop. Then i dropped my head to let a few final tears flow before I turned around with nothing in my mouth. I’m not even sure you noticed until I told you it fell out.
 
You asked if I had clothes pins when you realized I needed to be punished. I don’t, though now I wish I did. Instead you had me get the baby oil. As soon as you asked me to get baby oil, I knew exactly what you were planning. I was hoping it would be the smaller one, but you insisted on the larger one. I was trying to psych myself up, telling myself that I could do it. I knew I was going to have to do it one day anyway. But then I started thinking of the logistics. I’d never EVER tried to insert anything into my asshole before. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be flexible enough or that I would find it easily. I didn’t know where my arms needed to go to do it, around the side, from underneath? I felt lost and hopeless. The tears had already started at this point. Then you said I’d have to go to the corner for 15 minutes and I lost it. Something in me broke and I started shaking really hard all over and I couldn’t stop the tears. You told me you weren’t into humiliation, and that’s exactly how I felt. Helpless and humiliated. I didn’t know if you could tell I was crying or what, and I was terrified to tell you that I had reached my limit. The last time I questioned something you asked me to do, you got upset with me, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle more punishment. But I was breaking down completely and totally so I told you I couldn’t do it. I have no idea what was going through your mind at the time, but you were more gentle than I expected you to be. You told me to take a few minutes to calm down and we would try something different. I was enormously relieved that you realized that being watched was part of the problem and consented to let me do it off cam. I don’t think you knew why it upset me so, but I’m glad you realized it and were willing to work with me.
 
It took a few minutes to figure out exactly where I needed to position the dildo. I began to apply pressure, but was cautious because i feared pain. It wasn’t easy, but it didn’t really hurt. At first. Once I got the head of the dildo in, the rest slid in easier. After a few inches (maybe less?) i began to feel the sting as I was being stretched. I stopped and waited for you to return. My legs were falling asleep in the position I was in (kneeling), so I sat up to be in doggy style. I knew I wouldn’t be able to respond to you in that position, so I carefully lowered myself until I was laying on my stomach. I reached back to make sure it was still in place, and waited for you to return. I was uncomfortable, but not in pain. There was a faint stinging sensation, but nothing I couldn’t handle. When you asked me to move it in and out, I was surprised to find that it wasn’t nearly as painful as I thought it would be. It wasn’t what I would call pleasant, but it wasn’t excruciating. However, the longer it was inserted the more I felt the sting. When I asked if I could remove it, I was very uncomfortable. And you made me stay that way a little longer. I think you knew it burned, and you wanted me to feel it. Finally, you let me remove it. And yes, taking it out was worse than putting it in.
 
I’m still not recovered. I’m emotionally spent. Physically I can still feel the sensation of something in me. I am not sure I can say I felt pleasure at all tonight. My body betrayed me and was aroused during the first assignment of the night. But I was very nearly numb from the vibrations when you sent me to the bed. I think I came. I honestly don’t remember at this point. Everything tonight was more of a punishment to me than anything else. And now I’ll finish the night by going to sleep alone in a cold bed.
 
Mentally, I’m not sure how much I can withstand.

I’m still exhausted from last night. I question whether or not this is really a lifestyle I can handle. He is convinced I can. That it’s clear that my desire to please Him is great, and that’s what He asks of me.

I hope I meet His expectations.

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~ by M on January 31, 2010.

27 Responses to “Breaking Down”

  1. Welcome to the wonderful, scary, awe inspiring, amazing, unpredictable, empowering (and many more words that fit) world of submission. It’s a beautiful journey 🙂

    Can I suggest checking out http://www.fetlife.com as a way of finding out more about d/s lifestyles, I have found it invaluable.

    I look forward to reading more of your journey

    sub butterfly

  2. Hello 🙂
    I wanted to stop by your world as you stopped by mine and I wish to say I think it is very brave of you to embrace all your feelings and desires. I believe that everyone’s journey is exceptionally individual and all of our experiences make up our internal blueprints.

    I wish to also say that I encourage you to calmly and respectfully share your feelings, your fears and your doubts with the gentleman who is training you to be his submissive. I also wanted to ask you if you knew about safe words, hard limits and whether or not you understand your own boundaries. I only ask I believe it is very important for you to be confident in what you want, what you do not want and what you are willing to explore with perhaps a little bit of patience. The journey into the world of B.D.S.M., of kink is not always an easy one and often comes with many hurdles; however, the more you know about yourself, the more positive the experience.

    I am not here to preach, it is not my place and I certainly hope I do not come across as though I am, I just really believe in the power of control and how it _can_ create a negative environment rather than a positive one.

    I wish you a wonderful journey! I will venture into your world from time to time and invite you to visit mine.

    Much warmth,
    ~His

  3. Thank you, to both of you for the warm welcome to the world that is bdsm.

    His-
    I’m very open and honest with Him. I know about safe words and hard limits, but I don’t understand my own boundaries yet. This whole environment is foreign and new to me. It will come, in time. As will total trust between me and Him.

  4. Hey naturalsub. I stumbled across your blog from reading another – I’ve enjoyed reading about the start of your journey – it’s always wonderful to hear someone being honest. I’m also near the beginning of my journey, and like you wanted to record it in a blog. It certainly is a confusing realisation, but I hope you have a wonderful time. Just remember that there’s no rush. It’s easy to feel obliged to go at the pace your Dom sets and end up feeling rushed and scared – but just remember you don’t have to. I’m sure you’ll be fine, and find your feet in no time – I just learnt that one the hard way!

    Have fun, Jx

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  23. Dear, please do go easy on yourself. If He is worth His salt, he will be with you on erring on the safe side. Do not go further than your boundaries instinctively tell you to go. To make you go to scary places the Dom has to earn your trust. That is your dignity as a submissive- you will not follow or aim to please someone who handles the gift of your service unresponsibly. you are only starting out and whoever is with you in that exciting and exploratory time should be aware and careful of that. It is about having fun, for the definition of fun you will determine.

  24. You’re certainly entitled to your own opinion, but I know (after having my own mistakes early on) that if I were in your position, I would interpret what you were put you through the other night as coming from a very selfish and careless dominant.

    Even if you find the rest of my comment about your post to be offensive, I really hope that you’ll listen to me on this one count – ESPECIALLY as someone who is just beginning to get involved in the scene, you need a dominant who is constantly and preemptively checking up on your responses to what’s going on, so that he can recognize potential red flags BEFORE you do.

    To me, submission is about being pushed to do the things that I simultaneously do and don’t want to do – having someone order me to transgress the boundaries that society has placed on me against my will. Submission is valuable because of the way that it feels like a welcome release, like I’m being forgiven, having my deepest darkest secrets, my most painful flaws, my most perverted, guilt inducing thoughts appreciated by someone, turned into something valuable, rather than something damning.

    In my book, having a dominant push me to a place that I have no desire to go, which pleases him, and only him, is abuse. Any dominant worth anything at all should be concerned first and foremost with my pleasure (whether that means being turned on or experiencing the bittersweet intense emotional transcendence that comes with masochism) and my physical and psychological health. Good kinky relationships are really no different from good vanilla relationships – I want my partner to interact with me as an emotional, rather than as a purely physical being.

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