Why Would I Choose This?

It’s certainly been an emotionally trying few days. After the awesomeness that was B, I ended up crying myself to sleep Wednesday night.

Jealousy is a stupid, terrible thing.

Sir wants to have a fulltime slave, in addition to me. I would be his alpha sub, and then there would be one (or more) slaves/subs in our life. This is an idea I am struggling with, but I know it will make him happy. I’ve had him reassure me on several occasions that the emotional attachment would extend to me only; the others would be mere playthings. That being said, when Sir knows what he wants, he goes for it. He’s already found a candidate to be our slave. The three of us were talking Wednesday night, and that conversation went really well. I was still apprehensive, but willing to give it a go. Then he asked the unthinkable of me. He asked if I would have a problem if he began her training in person since they live near one another. It felt like the air had been sucked out of the room and I wasn’t able to give a reply for several seconds.

Needless to say, I was very much against the idea (why would I ever be okay with a slave learning how and pleasing Sir before I ever got to touch him?).

It prompted him to ask me why I’m doing this. He said he had concerns that I was doing it for the wrong reasons. So I went to bed and slept on it (very restlessly) before I woke up the next morning and penned a response to him.

I’ve been drawn to you since we met. Why do you think I flirted? Or added you to my yahoo list? Or loved it everytime you called me [edited]? I’ve always been comfortable around you. Otherwise I never would have opened up with you the way I did when I made the decision to fulfill my fantasy of being with a woman.

When the subject of bdsm and D/s got brought up, I was completely in the dark about what you were talking about. It sounded exciting and taboo and exactly the kind of thing I was looking for to spice up my very boring and vanilla life. And it was with you, so what could be better? Then I started reading to find out more about what a D/s really is. And the more I read, the more I liked the idea. I saw myself in the words of so many of the sub blogs I read. I saw relationships built on such a level of trust that the sub could fully give herself to her Dom in *any* situation and be secure in the knowledge that she was his. And the Dom would certainly put her through the ringer, but in the end all was well because the two of them are just so very right with each other.

You see, when I read about D/s I see beyond the sexual aspect of it. I’m looking at the big picture of how the relationship is formed and whether or not it will last. The sex part is a large part of bdsm, but the kinkier aspects of it come from that level of trust that is attained. But the D/s I’ve read about isn’t based on sex. It’s based on trust, and the sex can happen because of that trust. I want to be able to give myself to you completely and totally. I want that kind of trust. I want you to be able to lock me in the orgasm tower and I want to enjoy it because it pleases you. But I won’t get pleasure from pleasing you at that level until I know I can trust you to take care of me. Right now, I get pleasure (a lot of it) when you call me good girl or tell me you’re proud of me. When you are unhappy with me, I take it hard.

I do trust you on some level. Obviously. I trust you enough that I want to try this. That I’m willing to have you come down here so we can try it. I trust that you’re not a rapist or a murderer. What I don’t trust is that you want me to be more than a hole for you. I just have this feeling, particularly after last night, that you don’t want to be invested in me emotionally. I can’t detach myself like that. I could never be a slave. It’s either all or nothing for me. And so far, I’ve gone all in. My emotions, my thoughts, everything has been invested in you and moving forward as your sub. I’ve done things for you that I can’t imagine ever doing for anyone else.

Yes, I’m interested in the kinky sex play. But only with someone I can wholly trust with my body. And that’s what it boils down. I want the trust that comes with a D/s relationship so that I can fully be the sub you want.

I have a feeling that none of this is what you wanted to hear. That somehow, these are the “wrong” reasons. If that’s true, I’m sorry. I can’t be anybody other than who I am.

Somehow, those weren’t the wrong reasons in his eyes. I’ve agreed to tone back the expression of my emotional attachment because he does think I’ve moved too fast in that  regard. And we’re moving forward. Slowly in his eyes, at lightning speed in mine.

But do I really want this?

More than anything.


~ by M on February 5, 2010.

3 Responses to “Why Would I Choose This?”

  1. What an incredibly honest expression. Although it is not my place I do wish to say that you should be proud of your behaviours, of your willingness to share so openly, candidly and that you took a risk when you did so.

    Taking on an additional party to any relationship can be tricky and even the strongest of partners struggle from time to time. I can only speak from my own experience; however, the words of “wisdom” should one be able to call them that, is to say: Hold true and fast to your gut instinct. I have always had faith in a persons “stomach speak” and should something deep within you feel off, listen to it, trust it to be a guide, your internal GPS.

    I am most definitely a slow mover and I have found that my pace almost never fails me. Should any of what you are experiencing feel escalated, take a breather, slow down enough so that your mind and body can catch up, so that you are moving forward as a whole and not in sections.

    Life is not about rushing. It is about enjoying the moment.

    I do wish you all the very best. Be strong in your convictions.


  2. Thank you very much. 🙂

  3. I have to agree wholeheartedly with what “His” said above, to trust your gut instinct and be strong in your convictions.

    I am polyamorous and know all too well that polyamory, multiple partner relationships are not for everyone and the dynamics of such can be very hard to work out. It’s important that you feel that your needs are met, that you are heard and that you have the trust and love you need as both a submissive and partner.

    One of my favourite sayings is to only go as fast as the slowest person is able to go…and that needs to be respected. if you feel that you are being forced at a pace you are not happy with or in a direction you are uncomfortable with you have a right to call for time out. Jealousy is a very real emotion to deal with and can take time and trust.

    In reading your words it sounds to me very much that is a a D/s relationship you seek with a life partner not just a play partner, if this is something he also seeks from you then I do question why the speed in inviting others to be part of this connection when the initial relationship is so very new. Trust is earnt and for a poly relationship to be successful the foundation needs to be strong and secure

    Good luck with whatever direction you choose. And most of all be true to yourself


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