Relationship or Play?

I’m a sub without a Dom. And a sub who wants to be in a relationship. Some people think these ideas are mutually exclusive, but I’ve been reading a lot of sub blogs that suggest otherwise.

I do realize that blogs often paint a romanticized version of what really happens. They leave out a lot of the negative aspects of a D/s (or M/s) relationship. But they still have that connection. They aren’t together just to play or scene.

That’s what I want.

I spent the weekend with a friend. A friend who told me he was jealous that I had a Dom (before I terminated that relationship) and jealous because he wanted me to be his. We had talked prior to my visit, and I was very clear about what I wanted/needed when it came to playtime; he needed to be in charge.

The problem is that when it came down to it, he didn’t do it. He was concerned that I would react negatively if he was forceful, so he disregarded what I’d told him and tried to coax me into telling him outright what I wanted.

Which didn’t work very well. I’m shy. I’m submissive. Put them together, and you get a girl who is pretty mortified at the idea of telling a guy that she wants him to bend her over and take her.

Out of three nights, we only played once. I came twice (which was very nice, and new for me). He didn’t. And while I enjoyed his touch, it could have been so much more. There was a lack of physical connection (which is odd, during sex) that I really needed. The way we were both laying left it so that we weren’t looking at each other. He never kissed me – anywhere. It was pretty much just hands and privates touching. Nothing else.

What I wanted was for him to tie me up and take me. He wanted it too – he alluded to it several times. But I wouldn’t tell him I wanted that, so he wouldn’t do it. And to me, telling him I want it completely defeats the purpose. The hottest thing I’ve ever experienced in bed was one time when the guy just grabbed me, flipped me over like I weighed nothing, and put me where he wanted me without asking me anything about it. He just did it. If I have to ask for it, it’s not going to be that hot. If I have to ask for it, I’m not submitting to his Dominance. He’s not dominating me if he’s holding back until I tell him what I want.

And the crappy thing is, that he and I could probably have a nice relationship. Once we get the kinks out of our communication styles, that is.


~ by M on February 15, 2010.

4 Responses to “Relationship or Play?”

  1. I think you can have both in a relationship. Jessica was my girlfriend first before she introduced me to D/s. Now I have a wonderful girlfriend loves to restrain me and have her way with me. I love it. Kara XOXO

  2. I completely understand what you are saying, and want to comment from the other side (both in terms of gender and D/s!). I see a lovely yearning in your writing, and your last sentence was absolutely 100% spot on.

    All the talk about communication that anyone with any experience bores everyone to death with is VITAL, and it IS kind of boring *yawn*. I talk to a lot of people who *know* that communication is vital, but they are still reluctant to do it because it’s not as romantic as the D-type just *knowing*.

    I have a particular style of dominance, it will not suit everyone. There is no magic dommely third eye that lets me know that a man I like will enjoy what I want (I wish!). I am really not willing to just try it out with him, keep my fingers crossed and see how it goes. That’s a pain in the arse (no pun intended), it’s frustrating and if it doesn’t work out, it makes me feel bad. I want to have talked about it enough and in enough detail up-front to KNOW that he will respond to me in the way that I want. There is no way to do that except to talk (*really* talk) about it. It doesn’t have to be cold, dull talk, it can be lovely flirty talk, hot story telling, or fantasy sharing etc. It is a way to intimacy, if he is shy and embarrassed about talking about it, honestly, that’s even better!

    Not that you asked, and I suspect you know this full well, but I am stating it anyway – do the talking well before any attempt at playing. As you noted, telling him what you like and want *in* the moment is a complete mood killer – that’s totally true from the other side also.

    By the time you get to playtime, he should *know* exactly what you like, he should have no doubt that what he wants will make you hot. The fun for me is absolutely not in the guessing about that, it is in choosing how to use that information. If I know that a boy love love loves something, I can choose to withhold it because I know it will make him into a frantic crazy person, and that’s HOT!

    I am so hoping you find what you are looking for, and yes, it is out there.


  3. Ferns-

    You’re right. He and I have acknowledged that it’s a problem that I can’t communicate well when we’re together in person. But over text, I can tell him anything and we talk about everything in pretty good detail. The problem comes when the confidence I exude via texting disappears when I’m in his bed.

    I’m too damn terrified that I’m going to look silly or do something wrong simply because I don’t have much sexual experience.

    I’m afraid to just grab his cock with my hand because, truth be told, a man’s cock is foreign territory to me. In my previous experiences, I was used as a hole. There was no me playing with them, or them playing with me. I’m afraid of how he’ll react, or that I’ll somehow touch it wrong.

    God, I feel so silly just expressing these fears here.

  4. Please don’t feel silly! I’m sure you’re the only one who is judging you that harshly. Personally I admire you for being so honest. I hope things work out with your friend. It seems to me that sometimes these things take time, and a couple of false starts, before you get the measure of what each other wants and needs.


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