My Needs & His Wants

Sometimes I feel frustrated. I get tired of repeating myself and telling him over and over again that I need physical affection and tickling me is not physical affection.

He’s not often a serious guy. His personality is absolutely defined by his sense of humor – and I love that about him. His idea of physical affection is anytime he’s touching me – which is primarily when he’s either tickling me or fucking me. Neither of them fall into my definition of physical affection, and I’ve told him that on several occasions. I’ve even shown him alternate ways to touch me. But he doesn’t get it. Or he doesn’t want to.

I’m 99% certain it’s not the latter. There are times I wonder – like the time two nights ago where I had to try very very hard not to become that girl who cries during sex. It wasn’t long before I was enjoying it as much as he was (and I absolutely did end up enjoying it), but there was definitely a rocky start for me because there was no foreplay, no warming up. And no cuddling after. I felt very much like I was just there to be his hole. For the second night in a row.

And let me be clear – I don’t mind being his fuck hole. Sometimes. But I honestly need more than that. I need to feel emotionally wanted. I need to know that it’s not just because I spread my legs or get on all fours or on my knees that I’m here. Logically speaking in my head, I know that’s not the case. But it feels differently when the only times I’m touched are when he tickles me or fucks me (and yes, I’m deliberately choosing the word “fuck” here). There are few hugs. No kisses. No hand holding. No soft caresses. These are all things that make me feel wanted/loved. Without them, I feel like a fuck friend, not someone in a relationship.

And I don’t know how else to say it to him. I’ve told him I need those things and that I’m really needy when it comes to this subject. I’ve physically shown him how I want to be touched. But nothing’s changing.

Am I asking for too much?


~ by M on March 21, 2010.

4 Responses to “My Needs & His Wants”

  1. There are differences between needs and wants. If you need physical affection to be satisfied in your relationship then you are not asking too much. All you can really do is keep communicating that to him. Try touching him and being affectionate to him in the ways that you need him to do those things to you. Maybe if he realizes how good it feels to be that close to you he’ll understand why you need those things from him. I’d try a full body hot oil massage – very intimate and very personal. Good luck! Hope things get better.

  2. No, you are not asking for too much. Relationships of any sort are about both participants being happy (D/s OR vanilla). If he cannot give you what you need to be happy, you are incompatible.

    Be *sure* that you have clearly communicated what it is you want (not hinted at it, not suggested it, not demonstrated it, but really sat down with him and specifically told him in the cold light of day what you need and how important it is for you). Then forthrightly ask him if he thinks that he can give you that.

    If he says ‘no, that’s just not me’, then you have a decision to make.

    I hope it works out.


  3. You are not asking too much. You need sensual touch, you need the emotion behind the behaviors. Maybe he’s afraid of intimacy. Has he ever had an intimate relationship? Not sex partners, or casual girlfriends. Too, maybe he just doesn’t want to have that kind of relationship. I am new to your blog so I don’t know the details other than it’s a long distance relationship.

    Miscie brought up an excellent point on needs vs. wants. I am a submissive. I did a needs vs. wants exercise with my Dom while I was being mentored before we were in a D/s relationship. It was good to see where we converged and diverged.

  4. I think it has more to do with lack of communication than anything. I *thought* I’d been pretty clear – several times. But the night I wrote this, I sent him a text while he was at work that said something along the lines of “When you get home I want you to be tender and gentle and touch me until I’m dripping wet.”

    He got the message and came home and did just that.

    What’s clear and direct to me is evidently subtle to him. And he’s told me on several occasions that he doesn’t get subtlety. So I guess I need to kick it up a notch when I’m being direct and telling him what I need.

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