Sub drop? Or something else?

The following is not at all a criticism of my Daddy. Any criticism is directed at myself and my ability to handle/process things.

Daddy and I had our second hotel rendezvous this evening. I’m still processing what happened; this post is probably going to be more stream of consciousness than anything else as I sort out my feelings.

I had asked for time to freshen up before I texted him the hotel room number, and he agreed. But he asked that I be ready by 5. I agreed, even though I knew I would be cutting it close. Despite driving well over the speed limit, I sent him the message at 5:05 – and while I did take a moment to try and clean myself, I didn’t do any of things I’d hoped to have time to do (freshen my makeup, apply lipstick).

I was waiting, as he’d asked, wearing only panties and the blindfold while kneeling facing the door.

When he came in, I heard him remove his clothes and stand in front of me. He commanded me to open my mouth, and he forced his cock as far into my mouth as it would go. He berated me for being 5 minutes late as I choked, gagged, and struggled to breathe. His hands held my head in place and would not let me move. His hands controlled every movement of my head, and several times he forced his cock so far in that I couldn’t move and I gagged to the point I honestly thought I was going to throw up everywhere. He never relented, never let up. We’re going to have to choke that gag reflex out of you, slut. I felt something brush my face and realized I was crying. I couldn’t concentrate on my emotions at the time because all I could think about was air and trying not to drool everywhere.

He finally let me go and he walked away while I began to cry in earnest. The blindfold soaked up many of the tears, but not all. I knew I was shaking at that point – in fact, I spent a lot of time shaking tonight. I wasn’t prepared to feel so inadequate, so worthless.

He pulled me up and kissed me, wiping a few tears away while he shushed me. Then he whispered in my ear that he had made a concession for me today, so I had give him something in return (I had initially supposed to go panty-less in a skirt all day, but had a big meeting at work and felt totally exposed and uncomfortable so he relented). So he cut the panties off of me (which I hated – they were one of my favorite pairs). Then he sat me on the bed and tied my hands behind me and forced the panties into my mouth as a gag.

After that, a lot of the same things happened as before. Clothespins on my nipples – but he didn’t leave them on as long since I was gagged and couldn’t tell him when it was too much.

He had a length of chain (I actually think it’s a chain leash), and he wanted me to be scared of it, I think. I could hear him smacking his palm with the chain so I knew I would feel the sting soon. And I did. He repeatedly hit my thighs with the chain, starting soft-ish and increasing intensity. My entire body was tense and shaking. When I cried out a few times he lightly slapped my face, so I tried to stop making noise. And tried not to cry again.

He had me lay down, and he did ask me then if my arms were okay since they were tied beneath me. At that point, they were – but they quickly went numb. I was afraid to make too much noise for fear of more slaps, and it’s hard to get attention when you’re gagged, blindfolded, tied, and don’t want to make noise. So I suffered in silence for as long as I could. I made a few noises, but he didn’t understand what I was trying to say. Eventually he asked again about my arms and I shook my head no. He mercifully untied me, then ungagged me.

After that, he really got started on the one request I had made of him for today. I asked him to mark me – somewhere I could see it. He chose my inner thighs and he used his mouth and teeth. In addition to slapping hands and chain. It hurt. I squealed on several occasions, but as is his custom, he didn’t let up. The sad thing is that, while very very sore, my thighs show little evidence of the abuse. I do believe that the bruises will emerge within a day or two. I hope, at least. Between the pain he was causing, he would stop occasionally and lick my pussy. And that felt glorious. I love having my clit licked (not sucked). He fingered me (with very long fingers, I might add – ouch) hard and fast, but he wouldn’t let me cum.

He never did let me cum.

He had me get on all fours and he massaged oil into my ass and lower back and gently began to explore the area around my asshole. I know I tensed up at this point because anal sex is one of my for now limits. But he was gentle with what he did. I’m not sure if he used a finger or my vibrator, but he did insert something and used one hand to rub my clit and play with my pussy. That was an entirely new sensation for me – feeling that while being full in the back. It wasn’t altogether unpleasant.

But I’m definitely not ready for anal sex.

Then he took the blindfold off and had me get on my knees to suck his cock. But he wouldn’t let me finish him because I hadn’t earned it. He said I didn’t deserve his cum in my mouth because I hadn’t earned it.

Which very nearly sent me into tears again.

After a few moments, he had me stop and wanted me to lay in bed with him. He put his arm around me and called me his pretty girl or beautiful princess. Which was nice. This was also when I discovered that he intentionally gave me a time restraint he was fairly certain I wouldn’t meet – just so he could punish me.

He jacked himself off while doing this. Just like last time. I played with his balls and began running my fingers around his ass, which he liked very much. When I stopped he made me continue until he came.

Not long after, he showered and left.

That’s when I started to go down. When I replay what happened, my focus goes to the negative parts. I keep hearing him berate me in my head. I keep hearing him tell me I didn’t earn his cum and that I didn’t deserve it (oh joy, tears in my eyes again). I feel the bad parts, not the good ones. I remember the bad parts, not the good ones.

I have to wonder if I’m really cut out to be a sub.

Part of me thinks it’s lack of emotional connection. There is most definitely a connection between us. But it will never go as deep as I need it to go. Will this prevent me from being able to accept negative things while realizing that he still cares?

Part of me thinks I’m not strong enough.

Part of me thinks I’m just being silly right now, and I’ll be fine in the morning. I’ll smile when the shower stings my thighs in the morning and I remember why they are sore.


~ by M on August 10, 2010.

2 Responses to “Sub drop? Or something else?”

  1. Please don’t feel bad about yourself for this (easy to say, hard to do!) – communication is very tricky when you’re getting to know each other. I think you guys just need to talk about it.


  2. Thanks. 🙂

    Daddy and I had quite a long talk about what happened and what triggered my response. Things are good now.

    I have the best Daddy. 🙂

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