Each day is still difficult. We talk every day, like normal. I think it would be worse not to. But it still hurts. It’s a daily reminder of what we lost. It doesn’t seem that difficult for him, though. I figured out why today.

We were having a conversation about why he calls me by my nickname now, instead of my first name. From the beginning, he never used my nickname. He made the statement that he associates my first name with role play now.

That’s when it hit me.

It wasn’t role play for me.

Let me clarify something though – I don’t mean that our entire relationship/friendship was nothing but role play to him. But being my Daddy was a role he played. Being my Dom was a role he played.

For me, it wasn’t a role. It was wholly me. I opened up and trusted. I gave myself to him. Totally.When I was in that space during playtime, it wasn’t me playing at being his sub. It was real. That’s why I reacted so negatively the last time.

That’s why I struggle. There’s an invisible line that I crossed that I probably shouldn’t have. And that’s why I feel like a piece of me is missing now that I have no one to submit to. I do still submit to him in small ways. But that only happens when I ask for it. I asked him to tell me what to do regarding my workout schedule since what I’ve been doing is no longer an action. And he did. I loved it.

But it’s still not a role.


~ by M on August 27, 2010.

2 Responses to “Epiphany”

  1. This was a HUGE epiphany in my opinion. When you were offering yourself wholly to this man, your heart was in the right place. One Dominant can only wish for FULL submission of mind,body and soul. It is probably best that you discovered this now. It will be easier to mentally capture why things fell apart. He viewed this as ‘roleplaying’ in a sexual atmosphere. Thats fine. Thats OK. It just seems you were looking for more. You were looking to be ‘owned’ in a sense. Although difficult moving past, things ‘happen’ for a reason. Now , mentally, you can begin to move forward. Best of luck!

  2. thank you for sharing all this. I can relate even if experiences are never quite the same. I had a very strong and passionate online relation that turned quickly into nightmare. more than 3 years later the wound is still present. I don’t know why emotions are so strong and devastating when there’s no “real” interactions. our mind is such a weird and beautiful thing.
    take care

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