Still Here

Some days, it’s all I can do to withstand the ache. You know the one I mean – it’s heavy and smothering. The one that is full of longing and desire.

For him.

For his voice, commanding me.

For that sly grin as I watch him imagine the dirty things he wants to do to me.

The slow blush creeping across my face as I fear those nearby can see his thoughts on his face.

It’s gone now. Most days are good, and I can forget what it felt like to be needed and wanted.

But some days, the ache comes so fast and strong it steals my breath.

Today was one of those days.

And it’s days like these, when I long to be submissive again, that I have to wonder if I’ll ever find another man like him. Only… better. Someone who has time for me and can give me everything I deserve. I wouldn’t give back the time we spent together for anything – it was defining for me. I loved it, even the bad parts. And even broken as I am, I would do it all over again for the chance to feel truly happy and truly myself. But I do consider the possibility of never having that again, because my trust has been broken. And I don’t know that I can ever let someone close enough again to repair it.

And if I can’t trust, I can’t be submissive.

But how I long to be.


~ by M on October 22, 2010.

4 Responses to “Still Here”

  1. I have enjoyed the openess of your blog I am Bearded1 on CM what we do in this life is not roleplay it is who we are vanilla’s understand that

  2. I understand, felt, and feel all that you feel and state.

    Thank you for putting words to it all.

    Sorry for what you are experiencing.


  3. Thanks, H. I’m sorry you’ve had to feel something like this too. But, it’s like they say – what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

  4. i know what you are feeling right now.. for i am feeling that too… its hard sometimes to get out of bed and face another day with out Him.. and other days you feel good and you will be alright…
    i too wonder if i can be open up with someone like i did with Him… to call another Master… to truely submit and be this submissive girl i so want to be..
    if you ever need to talk.. please email..

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