Learned Something New About Myself


I can’t be poly.

The background: About a month or so ago, I met a potential Dom on Collar Me. One of the first questions I asked him was if he was poly. He said no. Our chemistry online was amazing; it was even better on the phone. Sadly, once we met in person I never really felt anything. But I couldn’t deny that we had something. So rather than just walk away, I tried to get over my hesitation in person. But I took too long and he met someone else at a play party. He and I were still talking daily when he began to see her. She was poly, with 4 or 5 other Doms in her life. Even though he was seeing her pretty often, I somehow assumed she was just a play partner and he was waiting for me to come around. He kept telling me was convinced I’d come around to having a romantic relationship with him.

I was getting there. I was jealous of the other sub. I wanted to talk to him more and more. But I never really saw myself as his sub; merely his girlfriend. And he kept telling me he would be fine with just a romantic relationship with me.

Everything came to a head last week when we got into a fight and his response was to go to her. It was then that I realized that several things he had said or done were subtle ways in which he was choosing her over me. She and I had talked; we were even supposed to meet before the big fight. But somehow I had spent the month believing that he wanted me and was just playing with her. It turns out that he was dating her completely (even meeting her family) and trying to wear me down to date him too. He had changed his mind about being poly because “it’s only fair” since she is poly.

I told him in no uncertain terms that I can’t do poly. I told him that I refuse to be anything less than the primary relationship and his response was that no one is on top with him – he loves us both equally. He said he couldn’t choose between us, so I made the choice for him. I walked away.

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~ by M on December 26, 2010.

3 Responses to “Learned Something New About Myself”

  1. Poly isn’t an easy thing to do. It only works if all parties are open and honest about expectations, roles, and there is an established method of discussing and resolving issues.

    I am embarking on a poly relationship where I am primary to a single Dom and a “play thing” to a Master and his sub. I am enjoying this journey and freedom very much. Ironically, I am getting much more attention and care as well as feeling far more cherished now than when I was an exclusive submissive to one Dom.

    • I think your situation would be easier for me. We tried to do something like that, but the person I wanted declined.

      If both of us had other partners, but were primary for one another… *maybe* I could handle it. Maybe.

  2. […] that he flat out refuses to be monogamous. We all know I’ve had many issues with polyamory in the past, yet I think he’s worth it to try. Even when it hurts. But I think that he and I need to have […]

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