I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last few weeks.

I am not looking for a sexual friendship. Sex, when I don’t have a committed relationship, leaves me feeling hollow and takes me to a very negative place for days.

Sometimes I do things that hurt myself emotionally in order to make someone else view me in a more positive way. This is a new revelation, and I’m working on finding a way to overcome it.

I test people. I push and I push and I frustrate them. This is a defense mechanism designed to find the person who will finally not reject me and not let me push them away. This is also a new revelation.

D/s, for me, is not solely about sex. It’s about control, trust, and discipline. Sex is a large part of any relationship, but I don’t think it should be the foundation of a committed relationship. Apparently this is a rare sort of ideology concerning D/s.

While I want to find a committed relationship centered around a D/s dynamic, I am not interested in living in the public bdsm lifestyle. I have no desire to attend play parties and perform scenes. There is nothing wrong with this – I might actually be interested in watching – but participating is not for me. This is also apparently a rare sort of D/s ideology.

I don’t really know what all of these mean. I have issues to overcome – but don’t we all? Will I find someone whose ideas are similar to my own? I don’t know. But I won’t stop looking.


~ by M on January 15, 2011.

One Response to “Self-Reflection”

  1. For me sex is a very small part of D/s. So many other tings are much higher up the list with trust and control being huge components of it.

    I must also be one of those rare breed in the D/s world that sees that as being a deeply personal and intimate part of my life and i don’t/won’t participate in the public scene or play parties. It is a vital part of my relationship and private

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