Being Wholly Honest


It’s been a very long time since I’ve written here. After the events that prompted my last post, I withdrew from seeking a D/s relationship and stopped every kink-related thing in my life (like my Tumblr).

A few months ago, an old friend and I tentatively began seeing each other and exploring D/s together. He and I have been online friends for 5 years or so, but he was married for most of that time. We met in person for the first time last September, but I chickened out of seeing him again until just a few months ago.

Since that time, we’ve gotten very close. I’ve spent many weekends at his place, and we’ve had some really amazing times together.

But now, we’re at a crossroads, and we’re trying to figure out where we fit in each others’ lives. We talked a few weeks ago about how we understand that we’re not on the same page with what we want, but that we would keep working at moving towards one another.

Unfortunately, I fear we’ve moved apart.

I’m writing this here instead of telling him because all I’m really doing is expanding on what I’ve already told him. I need to get it out, but by telling him more of the same, I fear I will push him away as if I’m nagging. And that’s definitely not what I want at all.

You see, I’ve fallen in love with him. I’ve been giving him pieces of myself for years and now that I finally get to be with him, to feel his arms around me, his hands on me, his voice commanding me… it’s what I want. I am his. Completely. Even when I have to hold myself back to make some moderate effort of guarding my heart, there’s really nothing left to hold back inside.

There are two primary points of contention between us. The first, and most important to me, is that I know what I want and he is unsure. I’ve laid my soul bare for him, short of flat out telling him I’m in love with him. I’ve told him I want to be his primary relationship, that I want his heart, that I want to be the one who gets under his skin. He hasn’t told me what he wants in return. All I know is that he doesn’t want to ruin our friendship, and he’s afraid a “real” relationship between us, if soured, will ruin it. He doesn’t seem to believe in the same sort of love that I do – but he’s so sparse with sharing his feelings, that I don’t know what sorts of things he feels at all.

The second is that he flat out refuses to be monogamous. We all know I’ve had many issues with polyamory in the past, yet I think he’s worth it to try. Even when it hurts. But I think that he and I need to have an actual conversation about what polyamory means to him. It doesn’t mean fucking anyone, anytime, anywhere – at least, not to me. I’ve come to terms with the fact that he has another sub. She is married and lives in another state; he doesn’t see her nearly as often as he sees me. But I can’t share him with random women he meets.

There was an incident this past Friday night. He met a woman for a “business meeting” that turned into a date. I asked if he slept with her and he admitted he did. I was hurt and livid. I tried to leave, but he stopped me. He said that he was under the impression that I didn’t want commitment from him. My jaw dropped at this, considering I’d written him a long email explaining that commitment was exactly what I want. I asked what could make him say such a thing and he, in turn, asked me why I won’t call him Daddy yet.

And that’s the moment I realized that even the men I adore are idiots.

I’d told him the week before – after the long email asking for what I want in our relationship – that I can’t call him Daddy yet because that’s a new level of commitment I’m not ready for. I didn’t think I needed to explain that I couldn’t offer him even more of myself, even more commitment, when he hasn’t offered me any at all yet. Apparently, he needed that explanation. Though to be honest, I was so upset at the time that I still don’t think I got that point across clearly. He took me to mean that I didn’t want commitment at all.

He said that if I’d agreed to call him Daddy then he never would have had the random casual sex.

I guess I just don’t understand the way male brains work. If he had taken even 2 seconds to think about me before he got naked, he would have known just how hurt and angry I’d be. Which means he either didn’t think of me at all, which is a problem, or he didn’t care that I’d be angry, which is also a problem. Or, third option, he assumes that he can fuck anybody since I’ve acknowledged that he won’t be monogamous and I’ll never be his “one and only.” Again, problem.

But I think any of these problems are ones that can be addressed and worked through.

And honestly, all of this crap – all of the hurt and heart break I’ve felt over the last few weeks – it’s all worth it if we end up together in the end.

I want him.

I want to be with him.

And I want him to want to be with me.

I do call him Daddy in my head. It’s almost popped out of my mouth a few times. But calling him that would be an open acknowledgement that I love him. And after what happened the last time I fell in love with someone I called Daddy… I have to be sure that he’s going to be there for me.

I need him to give a little too.

Is that really so unreasonable?

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~ by M on July 18, 2011.

One Response to “Being Wholly Honest”

  1. I know this was posted awhile back but i feel like i should reply. Hun you seem to be in a place where it goes to show vanilla or not men are men. Honestly you’ll need to talk to him face to face about this problem and if writing helps you sort things out do just that and take your writing as a guide. Because one of you is going to be hurt at this point, and that someone will be you.

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