After All This Time? Always.


Dear Daddy (because you will always be my Daddy),

I hope you never read this. But that’s not entirely true. Part of me does hope you see this. Part of me wants you to feel my pain and truly see me for who I am.

We hadn’t spoken more than a few words via text in over a year when I got that message from you on Christmas Day. Your mom died that morning. And then, as I tried to comfort and console you, it came out that you and were partner were having a rough time. It didn’t dawn on me until later that had you and your partner been in a good place, you never would have stepped back into my life.

Me, being me, jumped right into my “taking care of you” mode. Especially once your relationship ended shortly after the death of your mother. I checked in with you daily. I made sure you were alive. I distracted you. And then, a week later, I came to visit you. I knew – knew – that it was going to be a hard day for me. I just didn’t realize how hard it would hit me.

Helping the love of my life get over the love of his life is… well, let’s just say it’s not easy. And yes. You are absolutely the love of my life.

But I went to see you anyway. I didn’t want you to be alone. I was honestly afraid you were going to hurt yourself. And I have to take care of you.

That day, as I sat there and listened to you go over both the highlights and low points of your relationship, I had to work very hard to hide the emotions I was feeling. I was there to be your friend. I was not there to try and win you back. I was there for you. I repeatedly told you not to worry about me. But inside I was screaming.

I realized that your relationship was a mirror of the one you and I had shared. Only this time, you were me. I have never seen you so wrecked. I kept telling you that it would get better over time. Because I have very intimately experienced what you are experiencing now. The uncertainty. The questions. The lack of closure. All mixed up with the love of your life. I know that one day you will smile again. One day you won’t cry. It may take months. And it will probably take years before you stop thinking of her every day. But if you’re lucky, she’ll give you the clean break that I never got from you. If you’re lucky, you won’t have two years of being strung along, retaining hope, before the rug is suddenly pulled out from under you and everything is over.

And if you’re lucky, you’ll never have to hear the love of your life detailing her love, including the months leading up to meeting him, when she was supposed to be building a relationship with you.

That’s what you did to me that day. I learned of other women you were pursuing and dating during a time period you were supposed to be with me. During a time we were supposed to be building honesty, trust, and communication. I think you forgot about that, or you wouldn’t have told me.

I think you forgot how things ended between us.

And I think you knew exactly how I would react when you reached out to me when you needed someone. It’s happened again and again. I am always there to pick up the pieces (this makes three). And yet, you never see me. You never want me. You never love me.

I think that I need to stop. I love you. Enough that I honestly believe I’ll never love another man.

But I am more than just the woman who always takes care of you while no one ever takes care of me.

I need someone to take care of me too. And I am accepting that it will never be you. It hurts. And I’ll always think of you. I’ll always want you.

But I want me more.

Love,

your little one

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~ by M on January 6, 2015.

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