Tumblr

•December 27, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I recreated my Tumblr account – so stop by for a visit!

Advertisements

Learned Something New About Myself

•December 26, 2010 • 3 Comments

I can’t be poly.

The background: About a month or so ago, I met a potential Dom on Collar Me. One of the first questions I asked him was if he was poly. He said no. Our chemistry online was amazing; it was even better on the phone. Sadly, once we met in person I never really felt anything. But I couldn’t deny that we had something. So rather than just walk away, I tried to get over my hesitation in person. But I took too long and he met someone else at a play party. He and I were still talking daily when he began to see her. She was poly, with 4 or 5 other Doms in her life. Even though he was seeing her pretty often, I somehow assumed she was just a play partner and he was waiting for me to come around. He kept telling me was convinced I’d come around to having a romantic relationship with him.

I was getting there. I was jealous of the other sub. I wanted to talk to him more and more. But I never really saw myself as his sub; merely his girlfriend. And he kept telling me he would be fine with just a romantic relationship with me.

Everything came to a head last week when we got into a fight and his response was to go to her. It was then that I realized that several things he had said or done were subtle ways in which he was choosing her over me. She and I had talked; we were even supposed to meet before the big fight. But somehow I had spent the month believing that he wanted me and was just playing with her. It turns out that he was dating her completely (even meeting her family) and trying to wear me down to date him too. He had changed his mind about being poly because “it’s only fair” since she is poly.

I told him in no uncertain terms that I can’t do poly. I told him that I refuse to be anything less than the primary relationship and his response was that no one is on top with him – he loves us both equally. He said he couldn’t choose between us, so I made the choice for him. I walked away.

Still Here

•October 22, 2010 • 4 Comments

Some days, it’s all I can do to withstand the ache. You know the one I mean – it’s heavy and smothering. The one that is full of longing and desire.

For him.

For his voice, commanding me.

For that sly grin as I watch him imagine the dirty things he wants to do to me.

The slow blush creeping across my face as I fear those nearby can see his thoughts on his face.

It’s gone now. Most days are good, and I can forget what it felt like to be needed and wanted.

But some days, the ache comes so fast and strong it steals my breath.

Today was one of those days.

And it’s days like these, when I long to be submissive again, that I have to wonder if I’ll ever find another man like him. Only… better. Someone who has time for me and can give me everything I deserve. I wouldn’t give back the time we spent together for anything – it was defining for me. I loved it, even the bad parts. And even broken as I am, I would do it all over again for the chance to feel truly happy and truly myself. But I do consider the possibility of never having that again, because my trust has been broken. And I don’t know that I can ever let someone close enough again to repair it.

And if I can’t trust, I can’t be submissive.

But how I long to be.

Epiphany

•August 27, 2010 • 2 Comments

Each day is still difficult. We talk every day, like normal. I think it would be worse not to. But it still hurts. It’s a daily reminder of what we lost. It doesn’t seem that difficult for him, though. I figured out why today.

We were having a conversation about why he calls me by my nickname now, instead of my first name. From the beginning, he never used my nickname. He made the statement that he associates my first name with role play now.

That’s when it hit me.

It wasn’t role play for me.

Let me clarify something though – I don’t mean that our entire relationship/friendship was nothing but role play to him. But being my Daddy was a role he played. Being my Dom was a role he played.

For me, it wasn’t a role. It was wholly me. I opened up and trusted. I gave myself to him. Totally.When I was in that space during playtime, it wasn’t me playing at being his sub. It was real. That’s why I reacted so negatively the last time.

That’s why I struggle. There’s an invisible line that I crossed that I probably shouldn’t have. And that’s why I feel like a piece of me is missing now that I have no one to submit to. I do still submit to him in small ways. But that only happens when I ask for it. I asked him to tell me what to do regarding my workout schedule since what I’ve been doing is no longer an action. And he did. I loved it.

But it’s still not a role.

I’m Not Alone

•August 24, 2010 • Leave a Comment

I was just catching up on things in my feed reader when one post made me stop and cry. Everything I’ve felt over the past week was rolled up into one post. I never have mastered the art of eloquence, especially when I’m  upset, but Roxy certainly has.*

I’ll be the first to agree – it doesn’t make any sense. Never seeing someone because you couldn’t see them enough…it’s illogical.

But when my “I want to see you” banged up against his “but we have to be practical” for the 50 billionth time, it just hurt, damn it. I *am* practical, but I really need a romantic out there, reminding me of the stars when my reality is down in the mud.

Do you have any idea how awful things have been?

I want someone who says, “I don’t care what it takes, I’m going to see you again and again and again because there are no limits on my love. I will show you how important you are to me by treating you like a gift.”

Yeah, right.

I miss being touched. I miss being held. I miss being wanted. I don’t miss being told how hard it is to manage to find time for me.

I want someone who can’t wait to see me, every time, no matter what. I miss feeling like I was special, all the time.

I know I’m ridiculous. I’m insane. No one ever gets what I want, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting it. I’m sadder than I’ve ever been.

And I have no idea how to break it to my therapist.

*I mean no disrespect whatsoever by re-posting her words here. It is not to make light of her agony, it is a way for me to express mine.

An Ending

•August 21, 2010 • 4 Comments

Earlier this week, a decision was made. My Daddy and I will no longer function in a D/s dynamic.

Needless to say, it’s been a rough week. I’m not happy about this decision, but I understand the need for it. And as a result, I feel less than whole.

The first day after the change, I thought it was because of me. I thought I had failed him. I thought I wasn’t good enough and that I was too needy for him. I thought he didn’t want me anymore. I cried myself to sleep and prayed things would be different in the morning.

Things are different. Making the transition from Daddy/princess to friend is not easy. Neither of us want to lose each other, but it’s nearly as taxing trying to actively keep intimacy out of a relationship as it is when you try to deal with it.

The first night, I called him by his name instead of Daddy and it made me cringe inside. The next day, he slipped and called me princess. Part of it is habit; part of it isn’t. He will always be Daddy to me. Part of me will always be submissive to him. Just because we are removing the sexual aspect of the relationship doesn’t mean everything else is automatically going to change.

But it is.

I ate fries this morning, knowing I couldn’t be punished for it. I have no Daddy; I have no rules.

I still felt guilty about it.

I know that he’s going to read this and he will be disappointed in me.

But we’re just friends now.

Friends.

I hate that word.

Definitely not okay.

•August 18, 2010 • Leave a Comment

At all.