Breaking Down

I’ve now had two webcam sessions with Him. The first was only mildly unpleasant due to my own insecurities about my body. I masturbated for Him, something that was, for me, deeply intimate. He is honored by my willingness to allow Him to be my first for so many things. I did have to receive my punishment for refusing to go on cam for him the night before. I had to masturbate with three ice cubes until they melted. Afterwards, He praised me and allowed me to finish myself with my favorite vibrator. The uncomfort came when He began my endurance training. He asked me stand up, fully naked and in view of the cam. I had to do two exercises. First, I had to stand with my arms straight out to the side, palms up, holding a book on each palm. My elbows were not allowed to touch my side. By the end of it, I was nearly in tears and shaking so much I couldn’t believe I hadn’t dropped the books. The second was to stand feet together, arms behind my back, and stand on my toes (as if in heels) for 10 minutes. I was not allowed to let my heels drop to the carpet. Now, I have to do these two exercises daily. Keeping those books up is harder to do every day. My arms are sore, and I haven’t been able to do it for 10 consecutive minutes since the first night. He is patient and understanding because He knows I am truly trying my hardest for him.

The second cam session was completely different. To Him, it was very mild. To most people committed to a bdsm lifestyle, it was very very mild. To me? It was painful. After each session, He has asked me to email Him my thoughts and feelings about what happened. It will be easier if I just paste the contents of last night’s email rather than trying to recreate those thoughts here.

It’s clear to me that I want to please you. Otherwise, I would have told you at some point tonight that this is over and I can’t do it. Tonight was hell for me. Made worse that I have to sit here alone and recover from it without any physical touch or warmth to comfort me. I have no soothing words being spoken in my ear, reminding me that I’m your good girl and I please you. These are things that I need – it is fundamental in my core.

 

The first thing you asked me to do (to earn a story) was to get doggy style with one vibrator in my pussy and one in my mouth. This was the first time I cried tonight. The thought of being in that position – sideways – on cam for you made me want to cry. I told you that and you were harsh with me, for the first time. Combine those two together, and I couldn’t hold back the tears. I asked for a moment and went behind the cam and bawled my eyes out. I didn’t want to do it and you were already upset with me. I regained my composure and, after “stalling” (I really wasn’t, I was waiting for you to come back because I really thought you went to smoke), I did as you asked. I have no idea how much time passed before you asked me to move to the bed and finish myself, while imagining I was sucking your cock. You told me not to remove the dildo from my mouth until you told me to, but to pretend I was sucking your cock. I lay there and did as you asked. Fully caught up in my imagination that I had YOUR cock in my mouth, I licked the shaft instead of keeping it in my mouth. You did not like this and punished me.

 

My time in the corner was the longest 30 minutes of my life. It was bearable. I was proud of myself for remaining in the position you specified even when my cat came over and jumped in my lap or scratched at the door. But then, the unthinkable happened. I was trying to breathe and all of a sudden it just popped out of my mouth and landed in my lap. I’d had no warning or time to stop it. But I didn’t move my hands. I sat there and knew you would be upset with me, so I cried for the second time tonight. The minutes ticked on and on and I hadn’t heard a buzz yet even though I was certain 30 minutes had come and gone. I began to worry that maybe my computer had gone to sleep (it wasn’t supposed to) or that the cam stopped broadcasting when the monitor went to sleep (it didn’t). I wondered if somehow I had re-clicked on your window before I moved making it so that I wouldn’t hear the sound. I was convinced that the 30 minutes had passed and somehow you couldn’t reach me. My knees were on fire (You wanted my nose in the corner, so I sat as close as I could which meant my knees were very forcibly pushed into the door and wall). And then, I heard the sound. But I wasn’t positive I actually heard it, so I waited. Knowing that if it was you, you would say something else. And you did. So I let my hands drop. Then i dropped my head to let a few final tears flow before I turned around with nothing in my mouth. I’m not even sure you noticed until I told you it fell out.

 

You asked if I had clothes pins when you realized I needed to be punished. I don’t, though now I wish I did. Instead you had me get the baby oil. As soon as you asked me to get baby oil, I knew exactly what you were planning. I was hoping it would be the smaller one, but you insisted on the larger one. I was trying to psych myself up, telling myself that I could do it. I knew I was going to have to do it one day anyway. But then I started thinking of the logistics. I’d never EVER tried to insert anything into my asshole before. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be flexible enough or that I would find it easily. I didn’t know where my arms needed to go to do it, around the side, from underneath? I felt lost and hopeless. The tears had already started at this point. Then you said I’d have to go to the corner for 15 minutes and I lost it. Something in me broke and I started shaking really hard all over and I couldn’t stop the tears. You told me you weren’t into humiliation, and that’s exactly how I felt. Helpless and humiliated. I didn’t know if you could tell I was crying or what, and I was terrified to tell you that I had reached my limit. The last time I questioned something you asked me to do, you got upset with me, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle more punishment. But I was breaking down completely and totally so I told you I couldn’t do it. I have no idea what was going through your mind at the time, but you were more gentle than I expected you to be. You told me to take a few minutes to calm down and we would try something different. I was enormously relieved that you realized that being watched was part of the problem and consented to let me do it off cam. I don’t think you knew why it upset me so, but I’m glad you realized it and were willing to work with me.

 

It took a few minutes to figure out exactly where I needed to position the dildo. I began to apply pressure, but was cautious because i feared pain. It wasn’t easy, but it didn’t really hurt. At first. Once I got the head of the dildo in, the rest slid in easier. After a few inches (maybe less?) i began to feel the sting as I was being stretched. I stopped and waited for you to return. My legs were falling asleep in the position I was in (kneeling), so I sat up to be in doggy style. I knew I wouldn’t be able to respond to you in that position, so I carefully lowered myself until I was laying on my stomach. I reached back to make sure it was still in place, and waited for you to return. I was uncomfortable, but not in pain. There was a faint stinging sensation, but nothing I couldn’t handle. When you asked me to move it in and out, I was surprised to find that it wasn’t nearly as painful as I thought it would be. It wasn’t what I would call pleasant, but it wasn’t excruciating. However, the longer it was inserted the more I felt the sting. When I asked if I could remove it, I was very uncomfortable. And you made me stay that way a little longer. I think you knew it burned, and you wanted me to feel it. Finally, you let me remove it. And yes, taking it out was worse than putting it in.

 

I’m still not recovered. I’m emotionally spent. Physically I can still feel the sensation of something in me. I am not sure I can say I felt pleasure at all tonight. My body betrayed me and was aroused during the first assignment of the night. But I was very nearly numb from the vibrations when you sent me to the bed. I think I came. I honestly don’t remember at this point. Everything tonight was more of a punishment to me than anything else. And now I’ll finish the night by going to sleep alone in a cold bed.

 

Mentally, I’m not sure how much I can withstand.

I’m still exhausted from last night. I question whether or not this is really a lifestyle I can handle. He is convinced I can. That it’s clear that my desire to please Him is great, and that’s what He asks of me.

I hope I meet His expectations.

~ by M on January 31, 2010.